Just Be Mad Sometimes

As you can probably pick up from the things I write, I generally try to keep a positive attitude about life in general. A lot of shitty things happen but it is my belief that things happen for a reason and the tough times are not forever, we just have to get through them the best we can. No point in being miserable about it, this is life. This is how life is. Positivity breeds positivity. We have a large hand in our own fate. We make our lives what they are. What doesn’t kill us makes us stronger. All that.

I used to be mad a lot. Lost my temper a lot. I carried around a lot of anger and resentment and bitterness. In fact when I go way back in this blog and read the things I wrote years ago, I feel ashamed and embarrassed of myself for how I used to think and act. I know I felt wronged by a lot of people and situations. I have worked hard to change that about myself, for the good. I want to be a good person. I want to be happy so I am.

I realized the other day when I spent all day busting my hypothetical balls at work and then spent the entire evening at Children's Hospital with Lincoln who was diagnosed with fairly severe Hand, Foot and Mouth disease PLUS an ear infection that I felt a little resentment and anger coming on – not at Lincoln by any means, but just at the world in general. I brushed it away, knowing that it’s silly to be mad for things you can’t control. Kids get sick, we as parents should be well aware of that and it’s to be expected. Deal with it.

Since then my husband has contracted the disease which is extremely rare for adults. His hands look like this:

I feel just terrible for him. He’s in so much pain and discomfort. He is pretty much unable to care for the children now, because he can’t close his hands. The blisters rose on his feet last night so now it’s painful for him to so much as walk.

Because everyone was so sick I had to take a couple days off last week. I got in to work this morning to a mountain of paperwork to catch up on and a bunch of emails from people wanting, wanting, wanting. I know I’m lucky to have a job and to have the flexibility of being able to be away when my kids are sick. I reminded myself that I will get through the paperwork. No need to get frantic or upset about it. One foot in front of the other. One email at a time, I’ll catch up.

It snowed all weekend.  Makes it hard to get around, plus it pretty much brings my running routine to a halt - just when it was getting good again.  I'm trying to find solutions around this.  Maybe now is the time to rejoin a gym ($$$) or buy some special cleats for my runners so I can run on the icy and snow covered sidewalk ($$). I'll figure something out - maybe I should just do jumping jacks for an hour in my carport.

Then my brother called to tell me he’s thinking of taking a job in Alberta. He would be moving away at the beginning of next month. It’s a great paying job but is so far away from us. My kids would never see him anymore and they won’t know who he is when they do. Not to mention that I just don’t think he should go away, I think he’s finally got some good things going for him and I’d like to see him ground himself a bit. But I like to think that he will make the right decision for himself. If it is right for him to move away for a better paying job and it will benefit him, far be it for me to be selfish and want him to stay.

Ok you know what? Enough of this Sister Mary Fucking Sunshine bullshit. I am realizing that it’s not healthy for me to try to stifle my feelings all the time.

So I cried my eyes out in my office when I heard my brother might move. And it opened something up, some anger came up from the abyss and instead of trying to find a way to think positively I am just going to let it be. I am angry. At everyone and no one. I’m pissed at the world. I’m tired and frustrated and just plain fucking mad right now.

And I’m just going to let myself be mad until it burns out.

Fuck. It.